liberation

i feel liberated.
free.
the white elephant has removed itself from my chest.

honestly, while i worked very hard toward such a moment, i wasn't sure it would ever appear. it's almost like having a glass of ice cold water on a stifling hot summer day, after working up a sweat and slightly panting. or even that first deeply inhaled breath of relief after a panic attack. or all of it combined together. yeah. that.

for reasons unknown to me...honestly unknown, since i never could suss it out...my ex had always unconsciously had this hold over me. maybe it was the years of history and the way everything went down at the end. it felt, unresolved...it felt broken...and wrong...and i felt, at that particular point in time, that in losing him, i had lost a piece of myself. i didn't think i'd ever get it back. and sure, i moved on with my life and i've built a perfectly fabulous life that fits me much better than anything he and i could have had. i know this. he knows this. it was something we had discussed once upon a time. how we would have never worked.

yet, that didn't make it easier to talk to him. it was heart wrenching. i couldn't explain such things to T. it would have made him angry, or even insecure. like i said, the history of the ex is...well sordid and difficult. it was almost like there was this invisible string, which kept us bound to each other and no amount of push and pull was going to break it.

until yesterday.

i hadnt really thought about him at all lately. we had talked a few months ago and while it was difficult, i had my wall up, to try and keep myself safe. then last nite, while it was pretty late, just before midnite even, i received this text. now my phone is sort of a douchebag so it naturally puts the numbers in my contact list for whomever texts or calls me. it was a woman. i wasn't my regular JerseyGirl self, since the message seemed semi-familiar. i just conveyed, i didn't know who the person was or what they were talking about.  the text back didn't cause my chest to compress or anything of that nature. it was the ex. asking about child support modifications and paperwork, things of that nature.

it segued, as it always does into our regular old conversations about movies and books and life. even the youngest girl child made an appearance and i didn't feel like a mama bear at the cave protecting her young from the evil poacher.

it was nice.
it was adult.

and after he said mentioned having a girlfriend who was allergic to cats...i didn't bristle. sure, i held my breath for a second before realised...wow. i don't care.

he's been sober for 5 years...and i'm so very proud of him.
i feel like...i've grown up. he's grown up (finally) and its not a matter of protecting my daughter from the sycophantic alcoholic...its more like...well, i wouldn't say 'sharing' her...because i don't believe that point will come for awhile...yet i'm not raging against the machine...or feeding the inner beast...i'm sharing tidbits and pictures...and feeling ok with that.

so do i think he'll cultivate a real relationship with her? no, its not something he's expressed desire about...however he has stated a few times that he's come to terms with her not being in his life and he's ok with it...which to me is still a remnant of a little boy who doesn't want to grow up. and that's ok.

she knows she has a father and a daddy. which is more than i knew at her age. and if one day she decides she wants to find him and talk to him...well...i'll make sure to keep that avenue open for her.

i don't want to make the same mistakes my parents made.
i don't want her to find out when she's in her mid-20s that the man she's called 'dad' her whole life isn't her father.
i don't want her to feel abandoned.
i don't want her to feel like i lied to her.

so. while i can't make her feel as if she wasnt abandoned...the other things i can have input on.
i can tell her she has a father and a daddy. and that a father is the man who helps mommy make the baby and the daddy is the guy who reads her bedtime stories, tucks her in bed, kisses booboos and buys her birthday presents...
i can show her pictures, so she's not in the dark.
i can answer her questions...and believe you me...she has a ton.

and i can do it all...without the proverbial elephant on my chest, threatening to suck me back into a place i don't want to return too.

cuz here. and now. with T...i found happy. and i'm going to keep it.