seethe

i am angry.
i am very angry.
and incredibly lost in the waves of confusion riding in swirl, spinning, trying to catch my breath, unable to make a bit of sense out of any of it...without an anchor to grip me to land.

i'm tired of the tests which reach no conclusion.
i'm tired of taking a backseat to what seems like everything else.

"i have a hole in my heart."
"yeah ok, but did you check out the att bill?"
"yes i did but i was more concerned with what my doctor had to say"
"ok yeah we'll deal with that later, did you figure out how to maneuver the website?"

in that moment, i felt so...insignificant.
unimportant.

i let him leave the room.
i let him walk down the hallway to his man-cave.
i let him immerse himself in his world where his land of pretend people are more important than reality and physical ailments beyond his control i suppose.

i suppose i didn't 'let' him do anything now did i.
i just watched. and didn't attempt to call him back.

he doesn't...like to discuss the 'messy' parts.
and i've always...what. i don't know. i didn't press the issue.
you can't make someone talk about things when they don't want to.
you can't make someone listen when they don't want to.
you can't make someone understand when they don't want to.
so what is it you can do exactly.
you present them. you lie them on the table. and wait.
and he says nothing. or "ok" and goes about the rest of his day. because he doesn't like the 'messy parts'.

so now. i'm angry. i'm very angry. i'm seething.

i have ptsd.
he doesn't care where it stems from.
i have flashbacks.
he doesn't care how they work. he thinks its just like bad memories and you can just stop thinking about them whenever you want...when thats so incredibly not the case.
i have a severe anxiety disorder.
he doesn't care why it is the way it is.
i have routines that i need in order to keep everything in check.
he thinks its amusing to interrupt me and watch the anxiety level rise.

and now. i have a hole in my heart, which i've probably had my entire life, but is causing enough problems that its a concern. but it's on a back-burner for the moment because of the newly discovered blood disorder...

and he just shrugs it all away, while i'm silently screaming.
he's mr "what do you want me to do about it"

and i'm wondering to myself...how has it taken me so long to be this angry...
and. why can't i ...express myself to him?

and why am i so messed up...
and how do i fix me

so i'm pissed off.
cuz i don't have any of the answers.