.languid.

im feeling slightly out of sorts...and sure i might use that expression often...but when something fits...it fits. ya know?

im still muddling thru the whole homeschooling thing...but i think i was a little too enamored with the idea of an online academy...and perhaps i should have stuck with mah own curriculum...i think sometimes she would be learning more in respects to science and creationism at least...and most definitely history...their idea of history disgruntles me to the core. but i'm doing the best i can...and i suppose thats all that can be expected of me...

He's not coming home this month.
it leaves a heavy feeling in my heart...
and its taking almost every ounce of self control in order to avoid the sinking dark depths of the rabbit hole.
they found him a job.
of course the job is ending in a few weeks...and they'll start out-processing him around Nov 15th...
which sounds ok right? sure not optimum...but the idea sounds ok. yet. its going to take them over a month to send him home.
yet hopefully, he'll be home for christmas.

we're floundering without him.
i never thought there would come a time when i would rely so heavily on the simple presence of someone else.
he keeps crazy on the bus.
he calms me down when im completely frazzled and about to go postal.
when he thinks im being too harsh with the kids...he doesnt tell me im wrong...he just tries to get me to think of things from a different angle and come to a kinder conclusion.
he doesnt mock me for my conversations with God.
he encourages me.
and i need that...
i crave that...
i thrive on that...

and sure since he's been gone, ive worked incredibly hard to keep up the pretense of capability...but even the children now can see the wear and tear...
and i try to keep things the same ya know?
the schedules and the chores and the discipline and even the rewards...
but sometimes...i just want to throw my head back and scream...until i cant scream anymore...until the tears are dried...until my throat is dry...and my chest is heaving from the effort of breathing.
but i cant do that...it would scare the girls...and they're already scared enough as it is...
they're subconsciously walking on eggshells...but i cant get them to open up to me...because they dont want me to see their vulnerability anymore than i want them to see mine...
it scares them when i cry...so i crunch the cork back down into the bottle...praying for it to stay closed...crossing my fingers that it wont explode..
which isnt healthy for me nor for them...
but my coping abilities have worn thin..and i dont know what to do anymore except keep on...keeping on.

my oldest had an anxiety attack the other day...from watching a 20 second snippet on the news.
i spent hours trying to calm her. we stayed up until 2am and i let her ramble her nonsensicals...and i held her as she cried...and shook in fear.
now i make sure to change the channel during news times just in case theres another snippet which causes her to breakdown.
what was the snippet?
"8 soldiers were killed in eastern Afghanistan."
it doesnt matter that he's in northern Afghanistan..to her its the same place. to her..it could have been the only real father that she'd ever known.
and that would have broken her...

how do i help them...when i can barely help myself...

im faltering again.
the minute i got the news he wasnt coming home this month...
i stopped sleeping.
i stopped cleaning.
i stopped cooking.
i stopped teaching.
i stopped praying.
thats not conducive to being a good parent...nor a good person...
i can feel the darkness pressing down on me...and its physically exhausting to push it off. it feels like it takes every ounce of energy i have to simply get out of bed let alone do anything else...

this is not ok.

so today. im going to vacuum mah living room...sit on the floor with the kids...and play some games...just attempt to infuse some fun and laughter into a world suddenly covered in a dark cloud.

its not a perfect fix...but its an attempt to a good start.

strength and determination...right?